Hello, My Baby
by Yukaido
Summary: Take the introduction of Beauty and the Beast, apply it to our ever favorite emo Inspector, and what do you get? One hell of a crack fic. Rated T for strong sexual implications warning, J/JVJ , minor language, and some downright sick jokes. Poor Javvie.


**A CAUTION TO ALL!!!! THIS IS THE MOST SUGAR INDUCED, FANGIRL SPAZZING, INSIDE JOKES REIGNING, SCREWED UP FANFICTION EVER TO BE WRITTEN!!! XDD Take the introduction of Beauty and the Beast, put it to the world of Les Miserables, and what do you get? One really screwed up plot line and the one of the most crack filled crack fics you'll ever find! To all three of my friends, Jen, Gabby, and Greg, this is entirely your guys' fault for all the Javvie jokes!! DX But not really, my mind is the one that had to go make put them to use in a fanfiction. God, I really wonder where my messed up mind gets these ideas from sometimes. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. I'm insane, I'm a Mizzie, and I had a song from Beauty and the Beast stuck in my head. Does help that the same guy who played Javvie also played the Beast in both the original soundtracks of the Broadway. XD**

**Ok, I'm done with my rant for now, please don't let your brains melt or explode because of this!! :D**

**_ - Yukaido_**

**_------_**

Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winters night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him, not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. As punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell over the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the Beast concealed himself inside his castle with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered him was truly an enchanted rose which would bloom for many years. If he could learn to love another and earn their love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to live a Beast for all time. As the years past, he fell into despair and lost all hope, for who could ever learn to love a beast?

Oh, but we've heard this rehashed story a bazillion times already! Same old once upon a time, same old in a faraway land, same old cliché happy ending. Lets stir things up a bit, make this time old, dusty story interesting once again! And this time with an ending that isn't quite the mushy, lovey-dovey melodrama and in a place that nobody would expect…post-revolutionary France!

Once upon a era in a time not two hundred years ago, a newly hired prison guard patrolled the cells at Toulon prison. As he had absolutely nothing his heart desired except his Madame, the law, the guard was lonely, sad, dejected, and just the most downright over dramatic character to ever be written in French literature. It was one dreary night that our story begins while this guard was forcing his exhausted legs to continue to move forward, one foot in front of the other, until his ever uneventful rounds were completed. Nothing special distinguished this night from any other, as has been told to the reader that they were always uneventful, until that is a poor, ragged looking woman who called herself Jeanette Valjean approached him from the other side of the barred gates admitting into the prison. She begged him to release her brother, Jean Valjean, otherwise known as prisoner #24601, for all he had done was stolen a loaf of bread for her starving children. Agog and aghast from her blatant disrespect for his Madame, the prison guard sneered and turned the distraught woman away. But she warned him, not to underestimate her only because of her poor appearance. When again the prison guard turned her away, Jeanette Valjean's disheveled and torn clothes persisted to remain exactly the same, with the sewn on patches covering the same tears in the fabric. The guard just glared at her, the only thing encompassing his mind was that he wanted this blasted hour to end so he could get some sleep. But Jeanette, some way or another, had seen that there was indeed a spark of love in his heart, that perhaps she could now exploit.

And so, pointing a finger up at him, she cast a spell with words of mumble-jumble upon him. The prison guard just laughed and walked away, muttering, "Lunatic woman…" But as is turned out, to the prison guard's terror, Jeanette's ramblings had not been those of a woman who was clearly not in the right state of mind and who was quickly piling up the evidence of a future inmate. As punishment for the his dismissal of her, Jeanette transformed this man from a depressed prison guard to an erect, spiteful, and scorned _up_upon by his lesser officers, Monsieur L'Inspectuer who ten long years later was finally able to transfer out of the horrid Toulon. Ashamed that his only love seemed to still be Madame Law, the Inspector concealed his emotional tendencies behind walls upon barriers upon barricades upon harsh exteriors so no one would ever see through to anything her felt ever again. His top hat served as his only window to the world of his obsession, a go-go gadget #24601 detector. And indeed his nightstick had been enchanted as well, but not the weapon he carried with him at all times clenched in his right fist. If he could learn to embrace love (aka admit it) and the love he would earn in return, before twenty years past, he would earn Jeanette's forgiveness for not releasing her brother and she would consider taking pity on him and breaking the curse. But also, as another initiative to get the job done, Jeanette proclaimed that his nightstick would continue to grow larger every year that he didn't admit to himself what she knew he knew in his heart, until it was six yards long. But as the years extended by increments of five in the search for, go figure, prisoner Jean Valjean, Monsieur L'Inspector fell into despair and lost all hope. For how could he admit to himself that he had finally learned to love, and no less a…NO, IT'S ALL A LIE!

Almost twenty whole years after the encounter with Jeanette Valjean, on a day not much different that any other day of the entire dismal existence of Monsieur L'Inspecteur Javert, the Inspector could be once again found making his rounds, but now in the crime ridden streets of Paris. Twenty years after Toulon, he has now been commissioned to work under the prefect of police himself. Javert was not an aging man in his mid fifties with the high title of Head Inspector of the Parisian police. But sadly, this new position held little for our dear emotional leaning Javert, and being head of the police no satisfaction to quell his lonely his heart, which ached and yearned for the arms of…NOOOO! Not this again!! Anyways, back to more endless wallowing in misery, even the pride that Javert felt in being able to boss everyone under him around, and more than that have them carry out his every word, meant nothing for him. Thanks to his numerous walls and barriers and barricades and harsh exteriors, this particular little factor was diverted from his co-officers attention, who believed he actually enjoyed striking fear into everyone's quaking boots (how in the world could they come up with such a preposterous conclusion?!). No, it wasn't fear Javert longed for, but lo--NOOOO!!

Now, finally, Javert's tedious and long round was finally coming to an end. He crossed to the Rue du Bac and began to orient himself back in the direction of the Prefecture's office, where he could turn in some last minute paperwork and retire for the day. Finally, rest. Javert's weary and sleep deprived mind basked in the image of his pillow and bed waiting for him at his apartment…

And so it was, who knows exactly how it came to be or why, at that moment as Javert was rounding the corner at the end of his patrol, he ran headlong into none other than Jeanette Valjean.

"No, not this cursed women again!" Javert thought in horror, "I don't think my nightstick can take any more of this!!" He glanced down fearfully at his, ahem, nightstick.

"Dear lord man, you are impossible!" Jeanette shrieked, cutting straight to the chase, "It's nearly been twenty years since I cast my spell on you, and still you haven't---"

"Anything but six yards, anything but six yards…"

"Ok, so sure, I didn't curse it to grow to be six _yards_, otherwise how would you fit it into your uniform?, but I thought at least at _that _size your sex drive would overrun or something by now_---"_

"Anything but six yards, anything but six yards…"

"Hey, are you even listening to me? _Hey---!"_

"Anything but six yards, anything but--"

"I curse thee for such impudence as to ignore me!!"

"Oh, not this again!!!"

"Now, whenever anyone but mentions Jean's name around you, you shall burst into a spontaneous rendition of, 'Hello My Baby'!" Jeanette cried.

"No, anything but that cursed song!"

But before Javert could end his spastic seizure of the brain as the tune leeched itself into his mind, Jeanette tore away as if some terrible monster were on her heels (given with Javert's state of mind at that moment, it might have been true). But as she fled, Javert's agonized mind stopped whirling long enough to hear her call over her shoulder,

"You know what you have to do to make it all stop!"

Now the only thought that encompassed Javert's brain was that he wished this last blasted hour of work would come to a close so that he could just end the torture that was his entire life in the Seine already.

Every step he took which brought him closer to the Prefecture's office sending shivers of apprehension and overwhelming dread up and down his spine, Javert moved as sluggishly slow as he possibly could. But sadly, life once again came to bite Javert in the butt (when does it ever not?), and Mother Nature wherever she was ensued to laugh hysterically at the Inspector's pressing dilemma. His tall stature. With legs as long as his were, Inspector Javert's idea of baby steps remained elephant strides to everyone else. And, now knowing this, it is pretty easy to assume the Inspector got back to the Prefecture's office much sooner than he would have liked (or just never got there, for that matter). A cold sweat broke out across Javert's forehead as he fearfully inched the entry door open and peered inside, sweeping his eyes over the room swiftly. Finally some, luck, Javert thought as he let out the breath he had been holding. The room was deserted. For once, Javert was happy that the officers he held authority over had a tendency to ditch work as soon as the sun began to even show signs of setting. He could be left to do their piles of unfinished paperwork they had undoubtedly left him in peace, without bursting into….

But of course, Javert wouldn't be Javert if life didn't come to stab him in the back, right?

"Ey, look who's finally back! You sure do take your time checkin' out those alleyways for street scum, dontcha Inspector?"

Outwardly, Javert merely sighed, containing the ever oncoming terror building in him well, but inside his mind, well…that was a different story.

"Oh, why me? Why me?! Why _him _of all people?!! Will this day never cease to strip away from me any sense of dignity I have left? I'll never get out of here without….damn you to hell, Jeanette Valjean!!"

"Good evening to you too, Pierre."

"Aw, you don't have to be so cold, Governa'!" Pierre whined, grinning at the Inspector with what Javert knew was in no way proper for someone who should be giving respect to his superior.

"Leave me be, Pierre. I'm in no mood for this."

"Ah, I see how it's going to be. Rather be out searching for your precious Valjean, eh?"

Pierre scoffed, and then pursued to chuckle at his self-cracked joke. Javert's eyes widened in terror, and he bit his lower lip hard, to the point he could taste the blood in his mouth, fighting off the urge that suddenly overcame him to blanch out song, but he could feel the words, those too-damned-catchy lyrics hanging on the very edge of his tongue. But no, oh no, Pierre wasn't going to let it end with that, no his loud mouth was going to continue to yap on and on until Javert wouldn't be able to keep it inside any longer.

"Ah, imagine it now, respectable, law-abiding _Monsieur_ L'_Inspectuer _Javert sipping tea and eating cookies with none other than Jean Valjean, his long lost love from the days of his youth! Oh, that's not right, cookies and tea don't suit you at all. No, digging into a steak with your bare hands while drinking a bottle of wine while your dear Valjean massages your ankles suits you much better. Fancy that, ankles n' steak, isn't that just lovely Inspector? Fits with your delightfully frightful exterior." Pierre this time persisted to break down into senseless laughter.

"I can't take anymore of this…the urge is just too strong…"

_**"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal**_

_**Send me a kiss by wire…baby my heart's on fire!"**_

Pierre's laughter immediately ceased and he stared open mouthed at Javert with a very undignified shocked expression on his face as Javert's outburst was cut short by him clamping both of his hands over his mouth to stop the flow of words spilling from them.

"GAAHH!"

And with that, Javert bolted out the door, leaving the office without getting a single parchment of paperwork filled out.

Let us just say Pierre had quite the story to tell his fellow officers the following morning, that is if he didn't die right there on the spot from laughing so hard.

Before he even had time to comprehend where his frantic sprint was leading him, Javert found himself on the street of the Rue Plumet.

"My Valjean senses are tingling…" he thought seriously. Determinedly, pulling his hat down tighter on his head as if preparing himself for some dangerous feat, he stared resolutely down the short stretch of the street.

"Valjean senses, don't fail me now! Go Go Gadget, #24601 detector!"

From underneath Javert's top hat, an antenna with a little red blinking sensor atop it rose up and began to beep frantically, its red glowing light flashing brighter and brighter, signifying that Valjean was indeed near. Without any more doubts or concerns of which to worry about any longer, Javert charged forward to the house which lay at the very end of the street and burst through the door, sending the door crashing to the floor as the hinges that held it in place snapped in two. A very startled Valjean sat on the sofa just inside, a open book laying forgotten in his lap where he had dropped it.

"Javert?! How in the world do you come to be here--"

"Valjean, just get over here already!"

"Wha--?"

TACKLE!

And so it was that the curse was finally lifted from Javert's agonizing, melodramatic soul, through some, ahem, hormonal urges. Hack, cough.

**------**

**Oh dear, what have I done. XD So yes, it was only a few weeks ago I was saying I was finally done with my series of Les Miserables fanfictions, and here I've gone and created another one. Another J/JVJ too. And a monstrosity of one, at that. XD**

**Just a little sidenote I thought of during the completion of this, cough, _interesting _little piece of work...you would think that if Jeanette had sorceress' powers all along, she could have gotten Valjean out of jail herself. :D LOL.**

**Anyways, thank you again to Jen (Achilles Maiden), Gabby, and yes, even Greg, for helping inspire me to write this. Without all those inside jokes, this story wouldn't have gotten anywhere! XD And thanks Jen for proofreading it and for the idea for Pierre, I kinda took his personality off of one of the officers in your story. Also, for laughing so hard you cried. That made me feel special that I did a good job! :] And to one more person, Enjy-Glomper, who's random stories definitely impacted this one right here. Your Les Mis fanfics are some of the randomest things I've ever read, but God, when you made Valjean pelt Javert with rocks, I just had to laugh! Thank you! Oh, and to whichever fanfiction writer used the name 'Jeanette Valjean', I apologize profusely for jacking your name, but it just made this whole situation in the story that much funnier! And I really wish I could give you credit, but you see I've read so many Les Mis fanfics...I don't know who you are. XD So if you just so happen to come across this story, please accept my apology and my profuse gratitude!**

**Ok, the insane Mizzie is done ranting. Please review and help my insanity not to feel quite so guilty in writing this. Because while writing this, I even scared myself. XDD**

**(oh, and for anyone who is interested, try looking up "javert, sings" in the search box of DeviantArt. A picture titled "So Javert Thinks He Can Sing", which is drawn by myself, will explain where the initial inspiration for this story came about. Ok, now I'm done. Au' revoire!)**


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